I have learned over the past few years that I’ve had a belief system “programmed” into my brain since I was a child … messages that I learned about life and myself that I operate (or behave) based off of. Like a tape player, the messages play over and over in my head. Some louder than others. Some paused and waiting for someone to come along and press play. Some of the messages are true and some are out right lies. The lies seemed to trip me up often and cause a lot of pain.
I worked with a counselor for several years and we focused on identifying these lies and replacing them with truth from God’s Word (the Bible). It was hard work, let me tell ya. But so worth it.
So, I’m fixed. Right? Reprogrammed. No more bad tapes playing in my head!
Not so much.
A few months ago, someone said something to me that hit not just one button but all of them. Every button on those old tape players from my past – of every negative thing that I’ve ever believed about myself and how life is – was pressed. It makes me think of the scene in Elf when he’s on the elevator and hits every button for every floor.
The whole panel lit up and the elevator stopped on each floor … yup … the elevator in my mind stopped at every lie and started playing those messages.
I am alone
I am forgotten
I am not enough (this was one that I was unaware of, but I know it’s one I’ve been operating on for a long time)
I am a burden
I have to take care of myself, by myself
I have to protect myself
I can’t be myself because I am unacceptable
I have to do things for people for them to like me
There is something wrong with me
I actually started writing this blog post in February … and we’re half way through March and these messages have been rolling over in my mind over the last few months. A few of them I’ve been able to quiet down. But to tell you the truth, I haven’t really been working much on shutting them down…and it’s taken a toll on how I’ve been seeing myself. Lately, when I look in the mirror I haven’t liked what I’ve been seeing and quite frankly, I’ve been pretty hard on myself. But with the help of a friend, I see that ignoring this has stalled my growth and progress — or perhaps distorted my perception of progress. She said a few things that really got me thinking … “you can’t see the transformation yourself but others can see it” and “even when you are where you want to be you still think of yourself as you were.”
Letting that sink in for a minute….
My friend told me that an “aggressive mind shift is in order.” And I agree. I’ve allowed these little monster lies to steal my joy far too long … when I look for negative, all I see is negative … when I look for positive, I will see more positive … it’s time to record some new, truthful messages and interrupt those old lies. Hopefully, over time, the lies will fade away and my new messages will replace those old ones. The recording studio is my bathroom but I will be carrying the new messages with me all day long …
I had my first recording session this morning … a mirror mantra, so to speak…my conversation with myself went something like this:
Hello there Beloved Daughter of the King … Beautiful Bride of Christ … Princess … today you are going to be nice to yourself. BE NICE!! I am going to be nice to you! You are, after all, a Princess with value. I am chosen, accepted, forgiven. I am loved and worthy of love. God and I will always be here for you, you are not alone. You can trust me – I will take care of you. I will make healthy choices for you. I am not alone. …
The conversation went on for a few minutes, and then I ended with repeating “You are beautiful and you are loved … I am beautiful and I love you” – this was the most difficult part. And hard to believe. But I know I am creating new paths and replacing old lies which will ultimately result in finding the peace with myself that I am looking for. Also, I realize that I can’t get lazy with this … I have to be intentional.
~Digging Deep … blazing new trails!