Self-sabotage. Why do I do the things I know I shouldn’t? … I’m moving along doing great, then BAM! I start heading down that path that leads me away from my goals. I feel a bit out of control, like some other being has taken over. What is this about?
I think my inner 2 year-old takes over and begins lashing back … “you’re ignoring me, so I’m going to act up!” … Sound like any other children you know?
Over the last couple of months, some of my old lies or unhealthy belief systems have come into the light. It’s been an emotional and exhausting time as I have been working through identifying them and looking for the truth. I realized that while many of these lies originated from external sources, I have kept them going. I feel rejected – not because others reject me – but because I reject me. “You are fat. Being fat is unacceptable. I don’t like who you are.” I feel ugly because I look in the mirror at myself with disgust. I feel unloved and unlovable because I don’t love myself. I feel alone because I don’t want to be me or with me. I feel forgotten because I have ignored myself – I ignore my physical body cues and my emotions. I feel like a burden because my attitude toward my body and set backs has been that of frustration with myself instead of compassion and understanding. I feel inadequate and insecure because I can’t trust myself … And why should I? I’ve rejected me, bullied me, and abandoned me.
Time to make amends with myself. I did just that this morning – I looked myself in the eye and apologized for being such a bully…for ignoring and abandoning me and for rejecting me. I promised myself that I would treat me better…with love, compassion and grace.
I forgive me and trust that I will do what is good and healthy for me.
In my mind’s eye, I picture a little red headed girl with pigtails … her big brown eyes look up at me and she takes my hand. We walk over to a huge oak tree and sit among lots of bright orange flowers. It’s time to get to know this kid :)