I’ve been struggling with what to write and what to share … You can probably guess from my silence that the pregnancy test was negative. I wasn’t really prepared for the emotional pain that this process would bring. A new friend sent me an email yesterday telling me that she felt like she could handle every kind of treatment as painful as it was, but it was almost impossible to handle the failure.

Yeah.

Last week was rough.

I wrestled through all sorts of emotions … the realization that I just spent over $4K and got nothing out of it … or so it felt. I felt very alone in my pain and grief. I felt like I had lost purpose. My why and drive for all of my goals …. gone. The Dr. told me it’s my age – we could try another IUI, but the chances go down — he said I would have maybe 3-5% chance of getting pregnant on the 3rd try. I waited too long. It’s too late. …. then I felt betrayal.

You see, I have waited to start a family … waited on God’s plan to provide my mate. I wrestled with this several years ago when I was considering adoption … I decided I didn’t want to do it on my own. But I’ve been faithful to God’s word in the wait. And now … the dr says my age is keeping me from conceiving?! And do you have any idea how difficult it is to adopt an infant for someone over 40 AND single? Pretty damn near impossible.

And don’t talk to me about Sarah. I’m not going to be birthing babies at 90. Or 50 for that matter. I don’t want to hear it.

Betrayed.

Angry.

Alone.

No purpose. No hope.

I was in a very dark place for a few days last week.

Fortunately I already had planned out in my mind what I would do if this didn’t work. I just needed to grieve and get a nudge in the right direction from my friends who have supported me in this entire process.  {Thank You}

I went back to the Dr. and visited about all of my options. And do you know that I have at least 4 friends who have shared with me that this dr has gotten them pregnant …um … well, you know what I mean. Anyway … seems IVF or embryo adoption are my best options at this point. Both very expensive. With IVF I can use my eggs assuming enough are harvested, fertilized and survive. It cuts out the question of whether the egg makes it down the fallopian tube, gets fertilized and begins to grow. I’m betting my eggs are playing hard to get … just seems like what my genetic material would do. (Hmmmm…. I wonder if there’s an oil for that?)

The cost is overwhelming but ironically puts purpose back into my goals…and I have an amazing mentor who is confident we can get YL to pay for this. (I am going to borrow some of her confidence … Silver, Gold, and Platinum, here we come! And we’re not stopping!)

In the meantime, I’m buckling down on working on my health. I still have some lingering issues with methylation/MTHFR, thyroid, hormones, energy and belly fat. I know it’s all connected. I have found a new integrative doctor/clinic that I’m checking out and will get all the labs done to start and see what I need to focus on first. And will be working on completing the Woman Code program that I purchased several months back.

But

The part about God is still a big struggle. Can I just be honest say, I’ve been struggling in my spiritual walk for a while. Oddly though, my struggle has been less about God and more about religion. But this feeling of betrayal was definitely directed toward God. Guess He’s big enough to take it. I turned off all music last week. Every song that came on the radio stung … the songs of God’s faithfulness, praising Him in the storm, how God is so good … UGH. It all just really ticked me off.

Don’t preach to me … I’m not in the mood.

A few nights ago, for some reason I was wanting to hear some music with a hammer dulcimer. I love that sound. And the only artist I know of that plays is Rich Mullins. So I pulled up youtube and started listening.

I started watching several of the videos. And then one of my friends commented on FB about the movie based on his life – Ragamuffin. So I watched it on Amazon.

I had no idea the struggles that he had. A man so profoundly used by God … he was a rouge in the Christian music industry – doing things his own way — I totally loved that. And so troubled by his past, dealing with alcohol and other addictions. I had no idea. I wish even more now that I could have met him.

I needed this. Someone to be real and authentic in their struggle with God. Then I came across a video of him telling the story about his song “Hold Me Jesus” … the quality is not great, but I absolutely love the story.

Well, sometimes my life
Just don’t make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small

CHORUS:
So hold me Jesus, ’cause I’m shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won’t You be my Prince of Peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It’s so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart

CHORUS

Surrender don’t come natural to me
I’d rather fight You for something
I don’t really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I’ve beat my head against so many walls
Now I’m falling down, I’m falling on my knees

And this Salvation Army band
Is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin

CHORUS


~We are definitely not supposed to be traveling alone. And I am grateful for those who travel with me. You know who you are.

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